does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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