She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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