I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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