She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
