he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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