Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We're too hungover to prance.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
