I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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