tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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