Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
