I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
