Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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