Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
