When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Sober January is a disaster.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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