She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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