I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
