This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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