i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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