At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
