So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
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It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
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I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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