i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
