apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
