Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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