matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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