You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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