that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
