He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He passed out mid-signature
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
