My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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