I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
