sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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