Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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