either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
