Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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