My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a beard to bite.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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