I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
