I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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