Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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