i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
