I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I am available for nakedness
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
