just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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