i just wanna soil my oats bro
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
