and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
