CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
