I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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