Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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