also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
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Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just blew my weed a kiss
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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