Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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