that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Actions speak louder than pants.
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The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
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I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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