I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
