Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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