I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
