dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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