No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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