It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
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My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
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Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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