i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
