They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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