i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
