she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
