You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
