i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
