i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
