Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
