yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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