Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
